If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Meowchelangelo
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.