*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope