*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on