@shot_of_cabo

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

You Might Also Like

@pittdave13

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

@drewjanda

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@dumbbeezie

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@Ygrene

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

@TomSchally

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on