If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.