@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

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@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@martian_munk

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

@phaggots

Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@FrenulumBreve

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

@callmeEvian

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.