If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.


If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.


Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once


Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.


What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.


The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax


[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”


Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.


We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.