If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
There’s never enough good news
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.