Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**