When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
You Might Also Like
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.