What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: Yes, I will take one garage please
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
that’s really how it is
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*