@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

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@P1ssed_K1d

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

@ImAlexOliver

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.