If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.


Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.


I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.