If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us