If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.