If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
#SuperBowl
Waiting for the Charmin
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave