Autocorrect completely socks
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Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[montage of me giving-up]
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*weighs self after shaving
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*