CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: I love you.
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
*pulls gun out of bible
*pulls smaller bible out of gun