@Nocturnoc**to

If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

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@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@mauleePillar

Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@_2Birds1Stoned_

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

@Gooooats

Me: I love you.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.

@ChrisScarlette

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun