Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars