Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
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me: do you want kids?
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking “how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads…”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“You’re too drunk, I’m cutting you off”
– You sound like a dork
“My potions are too strong for you, traveler”
– Conveys the stakes of the situation
– You probably have a sword or maybe a wizard staff
– You gotta leave tho you puked in the tip jar