If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

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Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*


[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO


H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.


DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread


i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom


In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking “how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads…”


As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.


[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?


“You’re too drunk, I’m cutting you off”

– Lame
– Boring
– You sound like a dork

“My potions are too strong for you, traveler”

– Awesome
– Conveys the stakes of the situation
– You probably have a sword or maybe a wizard staff
– You gotta leave tho you puked in the tip jar