If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
that lip filler tho
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner