When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.