If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Netflix and awkward silence?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Fights fire with marshmallows
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.