My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Every haunted house movie:
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.