@mishakey

If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.

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@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@BrownDogBlanket

I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans

@Spaziotwat

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

@TheDairylandDon

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

@msgwenl

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.