Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together