If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.