@_green723

If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.

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@TheNYAMProject

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@WheelTod

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

@GoldenSpirals

The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@KKBowls

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’

@nice_mustard

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@AndyAsAdjective

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!