If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.

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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her


The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’


what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog


I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.


If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works


friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!