To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.