If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
#inspiration #foodforthought
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Who knew!
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”