@TheMichaelRock

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.

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@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@Reverend_Scott

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

@WheelTod

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

@sweetg35

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

@LoneWolfStories

It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.

@ItsLaTourette

When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store