So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?
“You do the math”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don’t eat caterpillars.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.
When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store