@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

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@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@Zombie_Kit

Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@FilmsWeWant

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

@DothTheDoth

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

@ThisOneSayz

Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@TomZohar

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours