Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Don’t touch that.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!