@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

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@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@nbadag

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

@DosieDoe

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

@NoToFeminism

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

@SaltyCorpse

BREAKING:

My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.