If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“You’re like a brother to me”
First of all, I’m a Lannister
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man