White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
F: Really into Craft Beer.
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs