@david8hughes
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
@AsgardianRose
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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@david8hughes
@Iwriteforcats
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
@416Bando
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
@UnicornSyrup
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
@t0m_t0m
“You’re like a brother to me”
First of all, I’m a Lannister
@sixfootcandy
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
@Holy_Mowgli
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
@lias__
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
@mommajessiec
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
@Kirangandhi
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man