@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

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@AlwaysAButt

the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:

1. julia
2. julia
3. julia
4. julia
5. julia

julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back

@paraicodonnell

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@Lovestained555

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.