If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex