If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked


My wife googled “when is it safe to leave a child at home alone” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.


Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.


*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u


[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.


Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.