ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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My wife googled “when is it safe to leave a child at home alone” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.