If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.