If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.