@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

You Might Also Like

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@yungsweater

Bro do you even–

Bro I do.

*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*

@suntzufuntzu

The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.

@shkeeber

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“Russia”

Russia who?

“Get out of the house. I live here now.”

@Donna_McCoy

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

@elisemarie91

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

@mattsurely

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@HeyZeus666

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.