Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
that’s really how it is