My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
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Bro do you even–
Bro I do.
*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*
The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.
“Get out of the house. I live here now.”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.