If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please


I’m just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.


I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.


TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*


I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”


Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.


I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.