Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
yea so i messed up lol
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging