@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

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@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@Mhmm_ok_sure

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@PleaseBeGneiss

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

?: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@HireMeImFunny

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.