I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.