@wildethingy

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

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@AbrasiveGhost

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@outsmartedmommy

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

@ashmensch

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

@OrdinaryAlso

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope