If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
honestly, i need both: