[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
“Why u bean like this?”
“Don’t u carrot all?”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope