If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

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[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you


i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.


our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.

today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID


If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym


Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.


“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for