If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”


“Why u bean like this?”


“Don’t u carrot all?”



Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.


Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.


I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.


Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.


marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope