If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I hope Alan is OK
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird