8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]