My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China