Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet
Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
date: i like reading horoscopes
me: lol none of that is real idiot
date: um okay what do u do for fun
me: i play fantasy football