If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head

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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.


Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.


Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?


Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds


One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.


friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10


My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.


“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China