@Rae_volution

If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head

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@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@Gupton68

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

@kivtur

Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

@NicestHippo

Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@leakypod

date: i like reading horoscopes

me: lol none of that is real idiot

date: um okay what do u do for fun

me: i play fantasy football