If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped