If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”