If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’m aging like a fine banana
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
pelicons
I have a black belt in leather
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
stand with me against insufficient seating
There’s never enough good news
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.