@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

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@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@weinerdog4life

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

@GinAndJif

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

@bostongal12

*Eating mini Reese’s cups*

5&7: Mommy what are you eating?

M: Dog poop.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.