If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.


I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.


Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage


Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same


Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef