My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.
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“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.
[3 pandemics later]
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”
ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”
ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake
*Eating mini Reese’s cups*
5&7: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop.
I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.