Good dog. ❤️
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Get in loser we’re going crying
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
dude it’s called proctologist
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.