@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

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@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@MelanieMeljo

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

@amydillon

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@patrickmarkryan

Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@TweetPotato314

wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same

@420b1az31t

Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:

@brittwastaken

Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef