@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

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@SortaSarcastic

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

@ComedicBust

When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself

@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.

@CrockettForReal

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

@sock_holliday

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes