if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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Life hack
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”