@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”

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@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

@panmidwest

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy