Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My week is basically:
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy