If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is