@StatusInBeirut

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

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@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@Pappiness

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@dixie_lee_peas

Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.