Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.