@causticbob
you have three unread messages
@TheDairylandDon
If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.
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@causticbob
@ProZD
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
@FeelingMervis
“You never told me you were vegan!” – no one ever
@TheRealRHB
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
@CruisinSoozan
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
@showmetheyamz
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
@david8hughes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
@RandomManik
Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.
– Food in my refrigerator.
@emmaketchup7
Wasn’t planning on spending my hottest years living like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chcolate Factory but here we are
@hansabumsadaisy
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.