@TheDairylandDon

If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

You Might Also Like

@ProZD

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@CruisinSoozan

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@showmetheyamz

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@emmaketchup7

Wasn’t planning on spending my hottest years living like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chcolate Factory but here we are