If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”


Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…


When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.


my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed


[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”


Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.


Wasn’t planning on spending my hottest years living like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chcolate Factory but here we are