Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!