Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.