🤭😂
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
yeah not falling for this one
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.