Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.