If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The internet is full of many things
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane