IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Friday night party time 🥳
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late