After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Best table by far
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
water it, i dare you
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough