I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Never forget.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]