teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]
Me: This is not what I expected.
If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.
When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.