@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

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@2browneyedboys

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

@AndrewChamings

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@lilgapeach30

If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.

@jake_lach

When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.

@underchilde

Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.